(To understand the reference to "Jeri," please read previous note, "Example of Spiritual Abuse".
We could put our finger on several troublesome factors: Jeri's pastor ignored the physical, emotional and relational dimensions of her problem and took a more narrow, 'spiritualized' approach. With little investigation, he assumed he knew Jeri's 'root problem,' that there was a root problem. But there are subtle factors at work, and the subtlety is exactly what gives them their power to wreak great damage.
First, let's examine the power dynamic at work.
Jeri had voluntarily made herself vulnerable by sharing a problem. This assumed, of course, that her pastor was healthier in this same problem area--or at least more knowledgeable--and that he could help. Because she felt weak in this area, help from someone stronger is what she was seeking. Add to that the pastor's position of spiritual authority, and it's easy to see how his words would have double weight in Jeri's thinking.
And then, sadly, help is no what Jeri was offered. This is where a second dynamic comes in: The focus of the issue was subtly changed.
Jeri went to talk about her problem of depression. The pastor addressed the problem as being Jeri herself. According to him, she was 'rebellious'--so she was the problem. He shifted the focus from an emotion to the person, from Jeri's state of feelings to her state of being. Depression was no longer the problem, to be worked through together; Jeri herself was 'the problem,' labeled a rebel who needed to live up to a standard.
Jeri never noticed that she was not receiving help, which is what she was hoping for. Instead, her spiritual position before God was being questioned and, it would appear, judged.
At the bottom of this sad, painful encounter lies perhaps the subtlest dynamic: Jeri questioned an authority who considered himself above questioning, perhaps above error.
Now in a normal dialogue, for instance, you may misunderstand or disagree with me. If you question my thinking, and in fact your question corrects an error I'm making, then your challenge was healthy for me. It corrected me. But the simple fact that you questioned me does not make you wrong. Unfortunately, a more subtle set of assumptions were at work against Jeri. They went something like this:
This pastor evidently interpreted his position of authority to mean that his thoughts and opinions were supreme. If he said it, her only right response should be to agree--definitely not to object.
More troublesome than that, frankly, was the power play that went on. In a word, Jeri was manipulated. No doubt Jeri's pastor thought he was only being honest and direct with her, trying to 'help' her see her problem. Manipulation came into the picture when Jeri asked an honest question and he 'pulled rank.' The unspoken attitude she met with might be best stated in words like this: 'I'm the authority, and because I'm the authority my words are not to be questioned. Since you did question, its proof that you're wrong.'
What does this attitude reveal? Perhaps insecurity, buried frustration and anger. It also reveals that the pastor was, as least in this encounter, not functioning in a caring position for Jeri's benefit though she needed him. On the contrary, it appears that she was supposed to affirm and bolster him by agreeing, regardless of how she felt and whether or not his assessment of her was accurate. Upholding his position of authority was what mattered most.
What Is Spiritual Abuse?
Witnessing spiritual anguish caused by dynamics like these time after time is what led us to coin the term spiritual abuse. Having illustrated it with a case study, now let's define and apply the term:
Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or
greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or
decreasing that person's spiritual empowerment.
That's a broad view. Let's refine that with some functional definitions. Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another, without regard to what will result in the other person's state of living, emotions or spiritual well-being. In this application, power is used to bolster the position or needs of a leader, over and above one who comes to them in need. This is what occurred in Jeri's case.
Spiritual abuse can also occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a 'spiritual standard.' This promotes external 'spiritual performance,' also without regard to an individual's actual well-being, or is used as a means of 'proving' a person's spirituality. What constitutes the kind of 'spiritual performance' we are referring to? When does an authority overstep his or her bounds, leveling judgment when support is needed? Listen to the experiences of these Christians, wounded and overweighted by the demands of their leaders and their 'spirituality,' and you will perhaps get a clearer picture:
'My Bible study leader tells me that I haven't taken on the 'mantle' as spiritual head of my home. I should be praying more, taking authority in the Spirit--then spiritual forces wouldn't be able to attack my family. Then my wife wouldn't be having menstrual problems and my oldest son wouldn't be suffering from asthma. I guess their sickness is my fault.'
'Quite a number of us wanted more information about how church finances were being spent. We wanted to know if more money could go into direct ministries, benevolences, things like that. When I asked some questions at an elder's meeting--boy did the room get icy. Later I was told to stop trying to create a faction in the church.'
'We'd sold our home and moved across country so I could work for this major ministry. After a year they go on this weight thing. Because I'm overweight, I was told I had to lose weight, because being overweight is a 'poor witness.' My financial raises and even my employment were at stake.'
'The congregation let me know they were disappointed in me because I asked for a two-month sabbatical, even though I've been pastoring there for twelve years--basically on-call night and day, and I've never even taken two weeks of vacation at the same time. I feel so discouraged.'
'Our church has gotten into this heavy emphasis on home schooling and having big families. Also on women wearing head coverings to show they're in submission--an no makeup. Eventually it came out. Our best friends told us we aren't spiritual because our kid is in public schools, and I'm "of the world" because I wear eyeshadow and lipstick.'
'The controversy began--can you believe it?--when i raised a question in the adult Sunday school class. We were batting around a doctrinal issue, predestination, which I always thought of as a 'gray area.' I disagreed with the teacher, in a friendly spirit. But two days later, I was told by the church's ministry coordinator that I'd been "argumentative"with the teacher in front of everyone--that they would appreciate it if I would drop out of the class until further notice.'
'My husband is convinced I should be praying one hour a day using this "formula prayer" he's into. I told him I tried that, and it didn't seem right to me. All he said was, "That's your whole problem. You can't accept anything on faith." I feel so...substandard.'
Each of these incidents had similar dynamics at work. The person in need--whether it was the need for information, dialogue, support, acceptance or counsel--was sent the message that they were less than spiritual, or that their spirituality was defective. In several instances, shame was used in an attempt to get someone to support a belief, or it was used to fend off legitimate questions.
Hopefully you noticed, as in the case of the weary pastor, that spiritual abuse can be heaped upon leaders as well as followers. By no means are we attacking leaders or spiritual leadership. We're exposing a phenomenon that is wounding many.
Whatever the case, the results of spiritual abuse are usually the same: The individual is left bearing a weight of guilt, judgment or condemnation, and confusion about their worth and standing as a Christian.
It's at this point, we say, that spirituality has become abusive."
- David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen
from: http://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Power-Spiritual-Abuse-Manipulation/dp/0764201379/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376860222&sr=1-1&keywords=the+subtle+power+of+spiritual+abuse
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