Expectations

Some of the most prevalent things that seem to trip up relationships are the expectations that each party brings to the table. Whether it be expectations of character, physical features, personality, religious beliefs, political beliefs, social background, etc., we all seem to have some sort of standard that we measure our significant other or possible significant other by. I had an enlightening conversation about this subject with my Godmother/employer a couple of months ago. Being a little over thirty years older than me, she has a pretty good perspective on many subjects. One of the things that I remember the most from this particular conversation was the idea that we all have these lists that we judge prospective datees (yeah I know that's probably not a word) by. As we get older, if we remain unmarried, this list becomes shorter and more to the point. We begin to realize what we need to compromise on or what the most important traits necessary for a good relationship really are.

As a twenty-five year old just recently entering back into the dating world after an almost five year stint of conscious singleness, I have the tendency to keep amending my list. I am learning to look at dating differently not only because I am older than I was in past relationships, but also because I am in a different place spiritually/mentally than I was five years ago (thank God). I am figuring out what I want out of a relationship and what kind of person I can really get along with.

All of this thinking can get very self-centered though. If I'm paying attention to my thought process, it becomes clear that it is more about what I want and what I get out of something than what I put into it. All of the expectations I have may be wise, but am I measuring myself by that same list? Do I possess the characteristics that I want my partner to have? Am I willing to look at myself honestly (or have someone I trust tell me honestly) and work on my own flaws or sins? I want to be willing. I want to look at someone with the same compassion and understanding that I would hope others would afford me. The tricky part for me is going to be balancing my expectations with my willingness to change. I always see things about myself that I want changed. Can I give and expect equally? I guess we will see. In the meantime, I'll share my current list with you all. Hopefully it helps you think about yours.



My Expectations

1) He has to be a Christian; to love Jesus and put his relationship with God above everything else.
2) He needs to be respectful of me, to treat me well. No abuses, manipulation, or controlling behavior. I don't put up with that crap.
3) He needs to be willing to be honest with himself about who he really is and not just who he thinks he is or wants to be.
4) Should be intelligent, a thinker, and able to hold deep conversations.
5) Should be creative in some way, whether it be music, writing, dancing, or fine arts.
6) Should be able to be playful and serious at the appropriate times.
7) He needs to always be willing to learn new things, to grow as a person.

An Idea

  I was reading this article (http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/09/asking_god_for_a_husband.html) on the Christianity Today Her.Meneutics blog earlier today about a woman who joined a prayer and fasting group in order to pray with other women about marriage and singleness and it helped along an idea that I had been working on a couple of weeks ago. During a session with my counselor, we were lamenting over the fact that over the past 30 years, she has noticed more and more single women getting frustrated with the fact that there aren't that many men in the Church. I read another Christianity Today article (http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html) awhile ago about the case for early marriage, which has a section about the uneven amount of men and women in the Church: "Among evangelical churchgoers, there are about three single women for every two single men." This is not a very encouraging number. I know that this seems to be true for all of my single Christian female friends in their various churches and is also true in the church that I attend.

  Well, after reading the Her.Meneutics blog I began to think about how many times I've complained about the fact that there aren't that many single Christian guys around and left it at that. A couple of friends and I even make a point to visit various churches and singles groups in order to widen the pool for ourselves. We pray and ask God for a guy, and we might even pray for his walk with Jesus, but I don't know that we actually take the time to regularly pray for the spiritual state of the opposite sex, single or married. Now I'm not saying that women don't need prayer too or that we are perfect Christians while men are all heathens. In "Why I No Longer Pray For A Husband," the author talks about how much God worked on her through the fasting and prayer. I feel like an important part of being single is to work on one's relationship with God and let Him fashion us into who He means for us to be. It is an extremely vital period in our lives. In fact, I read a Relevant article (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/26851-making-the-most-of-being-single) the other day about making the most of the time we are given being single.

  Anyway, getting to my idea. I want to make a point to regularly pray for males in and outside of the Church, around the world, with other women single or married. We spend a lot of time complaining and questioning why men act so many ways when the best thing that we can do is to pray for them. God wants both men and women to be in relationship with Him and to be in mature relationships with each other, even more than we do. So, who wants to join me??

You're hurting me.

I have had a lot of varying aspects of relationships, friendships and romantic, on my mind the passed couple of months. Unfortunately, most of my thinking has run along the lines of bitterness and hurt by how I've been treated by people in my life over the years. In wrestling with these things in prayer with God, I thought maybe it would also help to write some of them out to share with others in case they find themselves in similar situations.

Well this morning, as I was working myself out of a groggy stupor, I was thinking about the habit that so many people seem to have of not being willing to acknowledge when they've hurt someone. I have been on both sides of this mess. For the longest time I either didn't want to admit that I was hurting people with my words and actions, or I just had no clue that that's what I was doing. It took some lessons from the Holy Spirit in self-awareness and sadly, the wounding of people who I love to get me to really see that I needed to repent and change.

A lot of the time the conversations that took place after hurting someone myself, or being hurt by another person went like this:

"I was really hurt when you said/you did this..."

"You shouldn't be hurt by that/I didn't mean to hurt you/I'm sorry or sad that you're hurt..."

Or my favorite: "Well, you did this and this to me, so you should apologize to me for these things that you did to me years ago before I even begin to admit that I might have done something to hurt you."

And then, maybe at times there would be a reluctant apology that I'm sure anyone could see wasn't sincere. There have been so many apologies on my part and others that are so obviously uttered to appease the other person, to make "peace" because we're tired of fighting.

Why does it end up like this? I know from my perspective I didn't want to admit my part because I already felt so much guilt in general that it hurt too much to actually speak aloud that I had done something to cause pain. Or I had had so many people in my life who wanted to crucify me for every little wrong (or even things that I never did) because it made them feel better or superior. I can't really know what goes on inside others. Is it for the same reason that I was wary of admitting any guilt? Is it because they just aren't in touch with how they're actions affect those around them? Or maybe they've been hurt so many times by other people that to admit they are anything like those that have hurt them is just too painful?

Whatever the reason, I have found that to admit to hurting someone is integral to learning how to really love another person like Jesus would have you love them. Most of the time when people hurt each other it is entirely unintentional. However, that doesn't mean that we should ignore the effect of our actions if we haven't done the thing on purpose. Humans hurt each other, its a reality of life that can not be ignored. We live in a fallen world where sin and society tell us that we can do whatever we want without repercussions. To admit that we've hurt someone else needs to become a part of our life or we won't be able to have real, deep and Christ-centered relationships with those around us. And much of the time I have found that when I admit that I have hurt someone, they then feel like they can trust me more than they could before. They found that I wasn't going to deny reality anymore, that I was going to be more aware of how God wanted me to treat them. Also, it gave them a chance to forgive which also made the relationships stronger than it had been before.

Well, I have to get to work. I'm sure there is a lot more to say about this subject. I may post more later. Have a lovely afternoon all!

Perfect Love

One of the biggest lies that seem to rule my life is fear. There are times when I am completely incapacitated by it. I get so upset by it that I get physically sick. I actually ended up in the emergency room the other night, so sick to my stomach and with a horrible headache because I could not talk myself down from fear.

Lately what I've been afraid of is the death of those that I love. Two people who are very special to me are battling different kinds of illnesses that may eventually result in death. This terrifies me. The loss of two people that I love so dearly, and who I know love me, is unimaginable to me. Yet, it happens. In real life, loved ones die. And my focus, in fear, has been the loss. Yes, there are intermittant cries to God for His mercy and intervention. Still, the looming separation from people who are integral to my daily life has been the fear that has dug its heel into my heart.

I have this tendency to try and imagine situations that scare me. In my naivete I believe that if I can imagine what might happen, it won't hurt as badly and therefore I don't have to be as afraid of it. But in my imagining, I end up making myself even more fearful because I know that I can not control such things. I can not control death, or loss, or separation. Nobody can control these things, only God. And there-in lies the root of all fear, mistrust of the Person who does hold life in His hands.

In the Bible, John talks about love and the fact that perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment(1 John 4:18). This verse has been ingrained into my mind because of the many times I've read it in search of comfort. I believe in the power of the Word of God. I know that the Scriptures can change deep details of lives. So why doesn't my fear dissipate when I read 1 John 4:18? I can't answer that question yet. I continue to struggle with my fear.

I believe that someday fear won't rule me as much as it does today, that through situation after situation, I will learn to trust Jesus with even the most painful parts of life. I long for that day to be today, but I know that even life with God is a process and His transforming us into the likeness of Christ takes time. I hope you weren't waiting for a sudden burst of wisdom in all of this. I don't have much of that stuff. I seem to find myself more at a loss each year that goes by.