Or "I already wish I could break my own rule of not skipping unless the CD is scratched."
So far I've listened through 3 Doors Down's first album, "The Better Life" and 12 Stone's Self-Titled album. I was doing okay with 3 Doors Down, but after the first two songs on the 12 Stones album, I wanted to skip on to the next CD. Though I did not do so. I suffered through. I guess there's not much to say besides that it was really, really boring. I don't much like Paul McCoy's voice and the lyrics are pretty lacking. I think the only reason I got the album was because I had liked the song he did with Evanescence. Of course now I can see that wasn't the best idea. I only liked Evanescence for as long as that first single was new on the radio. Anyway, 12 Stones is definitely going to be going into the trash unless someone reading this really wants it. Its a burned copy though. You wouldn't even get the case and album booklet. Yeah, trash.
However, I did enjoy listening to "The Better Life," the only album of 3 Doors Down that I purchased. I can't say that I have a lot of associations with the album. It came out in 2000, the year I started High School. I was somewhere around thirteen or fourteen years old. The whole beginning of High School is bit of a blur which could be on purpose as I was pretty anxious about being a Freshman. I honestly can't think of anything else, which makes this post a bit boring, but hopefully I'll come up with something better on the next two albums. Also, if anyone reads this and wants to post their associations (good or bad) with either of these albums, please feel free. This doesn't have to be all about me. Ha.
Well, to spruce this up just a little bit, here's one of my favorite songs off of "The Better Life" :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLd4WWM31ZE
Cheers!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Music Junky (Junkie?)
I thought of a silly idea while I was driving home from Upper Darby tonight. This idea covers two goals that I have been intending to reach for awhile now. The first goal has been that I need to start writing more than just private journal entries. Yet when I try to write other things, I get overwhelmed with trying to formulate what I want to say into actual grammatically correct sentences and paragraphs. I am so out of practice that I've been struggling with spelling (this is big for me). Its pretty sad really. I used to be able to bang out ten page papers like they were nothing with barely any grammatical errors. Now it takes me an hour to write a couple of crappy paragraphs for a blog that I'm obviously not getting graded on.
Anyway, the second goal I have of the many that I don't reach is that I want to listen through my whole music library to see what I should actually continue to keep and what I should delete/throw out/send to a better home. I want to do this before continuing to add new music almost rabidly, which is what I normally do. I don't have a ridiculously large collection, but its pretty sizeable. I would tell you how much music I have in Itunes days in order to impress you, but my laptop took its final plunge to death. So, I am left with the CD's (mostly burned copies) that have taken up residence in my car, the CD's stacked in my bedroom, a couple albums I downloaded onto my Dad's computer, and a good chunk of my digital music library that I had the sense to back up on a portable hard drive. So, I'm merging these two goals by making myself listen to all my music, (however long it takes) whenever I'm in my car, and then writing about the albums I listen to. It will mostly just be little blurbs about when the album came out and any associations I might have with it. If I still actually like the band or singer I might share some of my favorite songs or links to their myspace/purevolume website. I'm going to start with those CD's that are already in my car. They might seem to be in a quasi- sort of alphabetical order, but only for a little while because I never keep up with those kinds of systems for very long. 3 Doors Down is currently in my CD player but I have not finished listening to the whole album yet so I won't start writing about that one until possibly tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and I'm making the rule that I'm not allowed to skip songs unless the CD is really scratched or I need to by moral obligation. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be really tired of FIF and U2 by the end of this. Alright, that's it for now. Hasta luego.
Anyway, the second goal I have of the many that I don't reach is that I want to listen through my whole music library to see what I should actually continue to keep and what I should delete/throw out/send to a better home. I want to do this before continuing to add new music almost rabidly, which is what I normally do. I don't have a ridiculously large collection, but its pretty sizeable. I would tell you how much music I have in Itunes days in order to impress you, but my laptop took its final plunge to death. So, I am left with the CD's (mostly burned copies) that have taken up residence in my car, the CD's stacked in my bedroom, a couple albums I downloaded onto my Dad's computer, and a good chunk of my digital music library that I had the sense to back up on a portable hard drive. So, I'm merging these two goals by making myself listen to all my music, (however long it takes) whenever I'm in my car, and then writing about the albums I listen to. It will mostly just be little blurbs about when the album came out and any associations I might have with it. If I still actually like the band or singer I might share some of my favorite songs or links to their myspace/purevolume website. I'm going to start with those CD's that are already in my car. They might seem to be in a quasi- sort of alphabetical order, but only for a little while because I never keep up with those kinds of systems for very long. 3 Doors Down is currently in my CD player but I have not finished listening to the whole album yet so I won't start writing about that one until possibly tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and I'm making the rule that I'm not allowed to skip songs unless the CD is really scratched or I need to by moral obligation. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be really tired of FIF and U2 by the end of this. Alright, that's it for now. Hasta luego.
Friday, November 19, 2010
"...abide in My love."
"Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; abide in My love." - Jesus (John 15:9)
sermon by Sinclair Ferguson: http://media.sermonindex.net/16/SID16623.mp3
series "Our Holiness": http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/viewcat.php?cid=762
whole chapter: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+15&version=NASB
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
some thoughts about "anne rice"
over the past week or so i've read a couple of the open letters written by various bloggers and magazine contributors in response to anne rice's statement about leaving the church. i also listened to the interview with anne rice on npr. while i agree with most of what the writers of these open letters are saying, i haven't yet read anyone addressing the fact that rice was a part of the catholicism, rather than protestantism.
now i'm not saying that either one is superior, but i have learned that a lot of catholic leaders and believers view the catholic church as the one true church. there are a lot of protestants that think vice versa, while those outside of the church tend to lump both protestant and catholic churches together as merely varying denominations despite some of the serious differences between the two. i am wondering if anne rice has experienced much of the church outside of catholicism? from what i can tell, the open letters that i have read have all been written by people who are part of protestant churches. so the experiences that the protestant writers are getting from their church communities may be different from those of anne rice's. not to say that believers of both catholic and protestant churches aren't experiencing similar if not the same frustrations with their churches. it's just a shame that rice has sworn off church when she may not have much experience outside of the catholic church. i feel that as a "follower of Christ" (which she still claims to be) it is almost irresponsible of rice to make such a blanket statement about christians and church when she has had somewhat of a one-track faith.
i am also wary of anyone making broad, judgemental statements about christians as a whole. yes, we are one body of Christ, and that's how God intends it. but not every christian is exactly the same as those whom rice or anyone else have experienced. we are all messy, because we are all human. yet to write us off as a whole, would be to say that you are a better "follower" than a whole lot of people around the world.
i know that this whole situation is a lot more complicated than i am even writing about here, but i just wanted to jot a few thoughts down. maybe i'll get into more detail about the differences between the "organized" church and the "spiritual" church later (if there really is an overarching biblical difference). for now, please don't write everyone in the church off just because anne rice did. she isn't the spokesperson for the entirety of christendom.
here are some of the open letters i've read, and the short npr interview with rice:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/op-ed-blog/22453-an-open-letter-to-anne-rice
http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/08/3448
http://www.justinmcroberts.com/blog/2010/07/open-letter-to-anne-rice/
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyid=128930526
now i'm not saying that either one is superior, but i have learned that a lot of catholic leaders and believers view the catholic church as the one true church. there are a lot of protestants that think vice versa, while those outside of the church tend to lump both protestant and catholic churches together as merely varying denominations despite some of the serious differences between the two. i am wondering if anne rice has experienced much of the church outside of catholicism? from what i can tell, the open letters that i have read have all been written by people who are part of protestant churches. so the experiences that the protestant writers are getting from their church communities may be different from those of anne rice's. not to say that believers of both catholic and protestant churches aren't experiencing similar if not the same frustrations with their churches. it's just a shame that rice has sworn off church when she may not have much experience outside of the catholic church. i feel that as a "follower of Christ" (which she still claims to be) it is almost irresponsible of rice to make such a blanket statement about christians and church when she has had somewhat of a one-track faith.
i am also wary of anyone making broad, judgemental statements about christians as a whole. yes, we are one body of Christ, and that's how God intends it. but not every christian is exactly the same as those whom rice or anyone else have experienced. we are all messy, because we are all human. yet to write us off as a whole, would be to say that you are a better "follower" than a whole lot of people around the world.
i know that this whole situation is a lot more complicated than i am even writing about here, but i just wanted to jot a few thoughts down. maybe i'll get into more detail about the differences between the "organized" church and the "spiritual" church later (if there really is an overarching biblical difference). for now, please don't write everyone in the church off just because anne rice did. she isn't the spokesperson for the entirety of christendom.
here are some of the open letters i've read, and the short npr interview with rice:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/op-ed-blog/22453-an-open-letter-to-anne-rice
http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/08/3448
http://www.justinmcroberts.com/blog/2010/07/open-letter-to-anne-rice/
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyid=128930526
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
disabled?
I have had to think a lot lately about what it is that I can and can not do. I am trying to prepare myself for going back to college. In doing that though, I am forced to look at some uncomfortable facts about my health and where I "lack." What are my limitations? What kind of feelings should I simply push through, and when should I just let myself be what I am? Am I truly disabled?
In the society that I've grown up in (United States-Western), it is considered a "virtue" to push through any weakness that one might have. Some popular quotes that I have heard include: "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" or "pain is just weakness leaving the body," which mirror an attitude that one should not let even natural limitations get in the way of what they want to do. It is also assumed that as human beings, we have the ability to control what happens with our bodies and our emotions. Therefore, if you simply can not do something, it is somehow your own fault and you haven't tried hard enough. Or maybe, you just don't want it badly enough.
For the past 3 years, I have had to live in the painful reality that in my early twenties, I am greatly limited by a broken body. In 2007 sustained a spinal injury without even knowing what I did to cause it and have been dealing with a herniated spinal disk for a lot longer than the average healing time period. Before I hurt my back, I didn't really ever think about the fragility of the spine. I also didn't know anyone else who had suffered from the same injury. Over time though, I have met various persons with the same problem. I know that I am not alone and there are plenty of people with much worse chronic conditions, but that doesn't necessarily keep me from struggling from day to day with how to deal with this disabling injury.
There are some days that I almost forget that my back is not healed. I don't really feel much pain, I have a good amount of energy, and I can do what I have set out to do at the beginning of that day. I tend to think more about my future on those days. I think about what I want to study and what I want to accomplish. I apply to a college in California even though I live on the other side of the country. I dream about what it would be like to learn about Anthropology and what I might do with a degree. I ask for prayer for provision at my life group, hoping that God will work a miracle with my financial situation. Then, when I go to bed, I pop a small blue pill into my mouth and swallow it with some water. If I stop to think before I turn on my laptop to get online, I realize that my life is a lot more complicated than I had been envisioning.
The next afternoon I might feel completely different. I have to sleep two hours longer than I want to because I'm so tired. It takes me fifteen minutes to keep my eyes open and to be able to get out of bed. It takes me another fifteen to relate to the fact that I need to pick out clothes to wear that day. I get angry and sometimes cry because I can't get my mind to defog enough so that I can just pick out a shirt and some jeans. After I shower and make my breakfast, I am exhausted. I don't feel like I can even begin to be ready for only three hours of work. I drink a cup of coffee, pray for strength, and drive less than a mile to my care-giving job. I drudge through the day, trying to focus on helping my Godmother, having to sit down every twenty minutes because I don't have the energy to stand. When I get back up, my legs are aching and continue to ache until I get into my bed at night. At various times throughout the day, the pain in my back jabs through the medicine that is chemically telling my brain that there is no pain. I have to pop a couple of Aleve, or lay down on my stomach for a half hour to get it to settle. Sometimes, it doesn't settle and I just have to find something to distract myself from the sharp pain running from my lower back down to my left calf. Usually on days like these, I have to cancel any evening plans I might have made, forcing me to try to explain that I just can't do what every other twenty-four year old should be able to do.
So I'm left to wonder, if its been three years so far, how much longer will I have to deal with this herniated disk? Why the heck did I ever think that I could go to California, let alone a school in my home state? What is to become of my life? I have to learn to decide through prayer what is really possible for me to do, and what I will have to defer to a time when hopefully my disk will be healed.
In the society that I've grown up in (United States-Western), it is considered a "virtue" to push through any weakness that one might have. Some popular quotes that I have heard include: "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" or "pain is just weakness leaving the body," which mirror an attitude that one should not let even natural limitations get in the way of what they want to do. It is also assumed that as human beings, we have the ability to control what happens with our bodies and our emotions. Therefore, if you simply can not do something, it is somehow your own fault and you haven't tried hard enough. Or maybe, you just don't want it badly enough.
For the past 3 years, I have had to live in the painful reality that in my early twenties, I am greatly limited by a broken body. In 2007 sustained a spinal injury without even knowing what I did to cause it and have been dealing with a herniated spinal disk for a lot longer than the average healing time period. Before I hurt my back, I didn't really ever think about the fragility of the spine. I also didn't know anyone else who had suffered from the same injury. Over time though, I have met various persons with the same problem. I know that I am not alone and there are plenty of people with much worse chronic conditions, but that doesn't necessarily keep me from struggling from day to day with how to deal with this disabling injury.
There are some days that I almost forget that my back is not healed. I don't really feel much pain, I have a good amount of energy, and I can do what I have set out to do at the beginning of that day. I tend to think more about my future on those days. I think about what I want to study and what I want to accomplish. I apply to a college in California even though I live on the other side of the country. I dream about what it would be like to learn about Anthropology and what I might do with a degree. I ask for prayer for provision at my life group, hoping that God will work a miracle with my financial situation. Then, when I go to bed, I pop a small blue pill into my mouth and swallow it with some water. If I stop to think before I turn on my laptop to get online, I realize that my life is a lot more complicated than I had been envisioning.
The next afternoon I might feel completely different. I have to sleep two hours longer than I want to because I'm so tired. It takes me fifteen minutes to keep my eyes open and to be able to get out of bed. It takes me another fifteen to relate to the fact that I need to pick out clothes to wear that day. I get angry and sometimes cry because I can't get my mind to defog enough so that I can just pick out a shirt and some jeans. After I shower and make my breakfast, I am exhausted. I don't feel like I can even begin to be ready for only three hours of work. I drink a cup of coffee, pray for strength, and drive less than a mile to my care-giving job. I drudge through the day, trying to focus on helping my Godmother, having to sit down every twenty minutes because I don't have the energy to stand. When I get back up, my legs are aching and continue to ache until I get into my bed at night. At various times throughout the day, the pain in my back jabs through the medicine that is chemically telling my brain that there is no pain. I have to pop a couple of Aleve, or lay down on my stomach for a half hour to get it to settle. Sometimes, it doesn't settle and I just have to find something to distract myself from the sharp pain running from my lower back down to my left calf. Usually on days like these, I have to cancel any evening plans I might have made, forcing me to try to explain that I just can't do what every other twenty-four year old should be able to do.
So I'm left to wonder, if its been three years so far, how much longer will I have to deal with this herniated disk? Why the heck did I ever think that I could go to California, let alone a school in my home state? What is to become of my life? I have to learn to decide through prayer what is really possible for me to do, and what I will have to defer to a time when hopefully my disk will be healed.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
a sermon on the transfiguration of Jesus and the transformation of Christians
fr john yates iii
church of the good samaritan
http://www.good-samaritan.org/sermons/2010/2010_02_14_nc.mp3
"The Transfiguration
About eight days after Jesus said this, he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray. As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning. Two men, Moses and Elijah, appeared in glorious splendor, talking with Jesus. They spoke about his departure, which he was about to bring to fulfillment at Jerusalem. Peter and his companions were very sleepy, but when they became fully awake, they saw his glory and the two men standing with him. As the men were leaving Jesus, Peter said to him, "Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." (He did not know what he was saying.)
While he was speaking, a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. A voice came from the cloud, saying, "This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him." When the voice had spoken, they found that Jesus was alone. The disciples kept this to themselves, and told no one at that time what they had seen
The Healing of a Boy With an Evil Spirit
The next day, when they came down from the mountain, a large crowd met him. A man in the crowd called out, "Teacher, I beg you to look at my son, for he is my only child. A spirit seizes him and he suddenly screams; it throws him into convulsions so that he foams at the mouth. It scarcely ever leaves him and is destroying him. I begged your disciples to drive it out, but they could not."
"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you and put up with you? Bring your son here."
Even while the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the evil spirit, healed the boy and gave him back to his father. And they were all amazed at the greatness of God."
- Luke 9:28-42
"The Glory of the New Covenant
Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!
Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
- 2 Corinthians 3:7-18
church of the good samaritan
http://www.good-samaritan.
"The Transfiguration
About eight days after Jesus said this, he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray. As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning. Two men, Moses and Elijah, appeared in glorious splendor, talking with Jesus. They spoke about his departure, which he was about to bring to fulfillment at Jerusalem. Peter and his companions were very sleepy, but when they became fully awake, they saw his glory and the two men standing with him. As the men were leaving Jesus, Peter said to him, "Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah." (He did not know what he was saying.)
While he was speaking, a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. A voice came from the cloud, saying, "This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him." When the voice had spoken, they found that Jesus was alone. The disciples kept this to themselves, and told no one at that time what they had seen
The Healing of a Boy With an Evil Spirit
The next day, when they came down from the mountain, a large crowd met him. A man in the crowd called out, "Teacher, I beg you to look at my son, for he is my only child. A spirit seizes him and he suddenly screams; it throws him into convulsions so that he foams at the mouth. It scarcely ever leaves him and is destroying him. I begged your disciples to drive it out, but they could not."
"O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you and put up with you? Bring your son here."
Even while the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the evil spirit, healed the boy and gave him back to his father. And they were all amazed at the greatness of God."
- Luke 9:28-42
"The Glory of the New Covenant
Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!
Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
- 2 Corinthians 3:7-18
Sunday, February 14, 2010
my school "timeline"
I was asked yesterday for the first time why I want to go to school for Anthropology (socio-cultural) by someone who hadn’t been along on my journey through interests. I admit, I have changed my mind at least four or five times about what I’d like to be “when I grow up,” as I’m sure most people have. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor. I told my Grandmom Nancy that I would become a doctor and take care of her in her old age. Although, I did insist that I would still charge her. I assure you looking back on it now, I would much rather not charge my grandmother for my medical services. But I am obviously not a doctor either.
Throughout elementary school and middle school I thought about what I liked to do and deduced that maybe I’d be an author or an illustrator. I actually spent much of my time in seventh grade typing up a story about aliens taking over my town, which I thought would be my first novel. I think I gave up on that project after fifty pages.
Once I got to high school, I was too wrapped up in boys, friends, and drama to really make any major life decisions. I did take a couple of the creative and advanced writing classes, along with some art classes, but I wasn’t very committed. By senior year though, I just wanted to be done and over with school as quickly as possible. I made the decision to take time off after graduating that year. Fortunately, I had the support of my immediate family to do so. I know a lot of people who have been forced to go to college when they aren’t ready or don’t know what they want to do, and end up wasting a lot of money. That topic could take up a whole other blog though, so I won’t go into it further right now.
After a summer of shedding high school from my mind, I had to find a job. I applied and got the job working at one of the billing offices of a diagnostic testing company. I am in no way business minded and was not all that interested in what the company did, but it was a good first job. I met and formed relationships with people I would not have met otherwise, I learned that adults were not as different from myself as I had thought, and I gained some confidence that I certainly hadn’t gotten from my previous eight years of school (elementary school was pretty great).
Eventually after a year and a half of working for the company, I started to become restless in the routine I had created for myself. I felt that I needed to get back into a rigorous learning environment and to figure out what I was doing with my future. I began to apply at some schools with the idea that I might major in Journalism (a form of writing that I thought would actually get me a career), and hopefully minor in art. I got into my first choice college, but they didn’t offer enough financial aid for me to attend. So I started at a community college instead.
Unfortunately my time at community college was cut short due to a nasty break up and a very trying time emotionally and spiritually that followed. For awhile, I had to focus more on figuring out what was going on inside of me than anything to do with school. Once I was more stable though, after thought and much prayer, I formed the idea that I would go to a different school closer to home, for art education. I registered and paid only to find out that the major of art education could no longer be offered because the school had dropped its contract with another art school in the area. I chose to attend the school anyway, hoping that I could figure something out down the road when it got closer to the time of picking a major.
Around the time that I started at this college, I began to have excruciating back pain. I went to a chiropractor and eventually after a month or so, one x-ray, and one MRI, it was found that I had a herniated disc in my spine. I was almost halfway through my first semester at this point and desperately wanted to finish. Between the terrible pain, going to physical therapy, and getting stomach flu twice, there were times when I had to consider dropping classes before I would fail. Thankfully with God’s help I stuck it out until finals and finished well. After that first semester though, I didn’t have enough money to pay for another and I couldn’t put my back through all of that sitting anymore. I gave up school, again.
Fast forward almost two years to now, and I am still dealing with the limitations of the herniated disc. Thankfully, I found a medication that greatly decreases the pain so that I can function much better than after I left college. There have been other struggles as well, including residual problems from my emotional turmoil around the time I was trying out community college. I have not had the easiest transition into adulthood, to say the least. Yet along my unconventional path I have learned a lot more than I may have had I done what I was “supposed” to do, i.e.: go to college right after high school, get a job after receiving my bachelor’s degree, etc.
One of the things I have learned on this path is what I really love to do. I still have interests in writing and art. Actually I have kept up with art in taking various classes at a community art center and am now taking a private painting class. Yet even more than those two interests that have dominated much of my time, I love learning about different cultures. I enjoy learning the differences between my own culture and the myriad of others present in the world today. I cherish those differences and feel that without knowledge of them, my life would be dim and unfulfilled. I want to be involved in bridging the gaps between cultures and people groups. I greatly desire to bring understanding between peoples that may not have the chance or resources to overcome their prejudices towards each other. I also have always felt that I needed to be involved in social justice causes, yet have not felt drawn to studying law. From my still limited understanding of Anthropology, I believe that learning the history of cultures and what makes people who they are today would aid in bringing about real help in cases of injustice.
I’m jumping a bit ahead in my story though. I forgot to mention how I was introduced to Anthropology. During my first semester of college I met a very dear friend, Jesica. Although during the time we were in school, we didn’t really know each other. It was after she graduated and I had been out of school for awhile that we really became friends. We would hang out a lot at the home where she was staying as an international student, the home of one of the anthropology professors from our college. It was a couple of months of spending time together before she mentioned that from her view of my interests, anthropology seemed to encompass them all. She herself had been an Anthropology major and said that even though I had not ever been to school for Anthropology (or without even really knowing what it was), I knew a lot about it.
After doing a bit of research, more conversations with Jesica and her host professor, and bouncing off these ideas about Anthropology with some family members, I really began to see just how much I really was interested in the study of cultures and all that entails. The more I read and look at what kinds of courses are available at various schools for Anthropology majors, I feel confirmed in this decision to pursue the field.
Now, I’m not saying that with the amount of times I’ve changed my mind so far, that I might not change it again. I don’t see that happening with how perfectly Anthropology seems to involve all of my interests, but who knows? I am trusting God to lead me along the path that He has chosen for me, and if that includes going to school for Socio-Cultural Anthropology, I will be overjoyed.
Throughout elementary school and middle school I thought about what I liked to do and deduced that maybe I’d be an author or an illustrator. I actually spent much of my time in seventh grade typing up a story about aliens taking over my town, which I thought would be my first novel. I think I gave up on that project after fifty pages.
Once I got to high school, I was too wrapped up in boys, friends, and drama to really make any major life decisions. I did take a couple of the creative and advanced writing classes, along with some art classes, but I wasn’t very committed. By senior year though, I just wanted to be done and over with school as quickly as possible. I made the decision to take time off after graduating that year. Fortunately, I had the support of my immediate family to do so. I know a lot of people who have been forced to go to college when they aren’t ready or don’t know what they want to do, and end up wasting a lot of money. That topic could take up a whole other blog though, so I won’t go into it further right now.
After a summer of shedding high school from my mind, I had to find a job. I applied and got the job working at one of the billing offices of a diagnostic testing company. I am in no way business minded and was not all that interested in what the company did, but it was a good first job. I met and formed relationships with people I would not have met otherwise, I learned that adults were not as different from myself as I had thought, and I gained some confidence that I certainly hadn’t gotten from my previous eight years of school (elementary school was pretty great).
Eventually after a year and a half of working for the company, I started to become restless in the routine I had created for myself. I felt that I needed to get back into a rigorous learning environment and to figure out what I was doing with my future. I began to apply at some schools with the idea that I might major in Journalism (a form of writing that I thought would actually get me a career), and hopefully minor in art. I got into my first choice college, but they didn’t offer enough financial aid for me to attend. So I started at a community college instead.
Unfortunately my time at community college was cut short due to a nasty break up and a very trying time emotionally and spiritually that followed. For awhile, I had to focus more on figuring out what was going on inside of me than anything to do with school. Once I was more stable though, after thought and much prayer, I formed the idea that I would go to a different school closer to home, for art education. I registered and paid only to find out that the major of art education could no longer be offered because the school had dropped its contract with another art school in the area. I chose to attend the school anyway, hoping that I could figure something out down the road when it got closer to the time of picking a major.
Around the time that I started at this college, I began to have excruciating back pain. I went to a chiropractor and eventually after a month or so, one x-ray, and one MRI, it was found that I had a herniated disc in my spine. I was almost halfway through my first semester at this point and desperately wanted to finish. Between the terrible pain, going to physical therapy, and getting stomach flu twice, there were times when I had to consider dropping classes before I would fail. Thankfully with God’s help I stuck it out until finals and finished well. After that first semester though, I didn’t have enough money to pay for another and I couldn’t put my back through all of that sitting anymore. I gave up school, again.
Fast forward almost two years to now, and I am still dealing with the limitations of the herniated disc. Thankfully, I found a medication that greatly decreases the pain so that I can function much better than after I left college. There have been other struggles as well, including residual problems from my emotional turmoil around the time I was trying out community college. I have not had the easiest transition into adulthood, to say the least. Yet along my unconventional path I have learned a lot more than I may have had I done what I was “supposed” to do, i.e.: go to college right after high school, get a job after receiving my bachelor’s degree, etc.
One of the things I have learned on this path is what I really love to do. I still have interests in writing and art. Actually I have kept up with art in taking various classes at a community art center and am now taking a private painting class. Yet even more than those two interests that have dominated much of my time, I love learning about different cultures. I enjoy learning the differences between my own culture and the myriad of others present in the world today. I cherish those differences and feel that without knowledge of them, my life would be dim and unfulfilled. I want to be involved in bridging the gaps between cultures and people groups. I greatly desire to bring understanding between peoples that may not have the chance or resources to overcome their prejudices towards each other. I also have always felt that I needed to be involved in social justice causes, yet have not felt drawn to studying law. From my still limited understanding of Anthropology, I believe that learning the history of cultures and what makes people who they are today would aid in bringing about real help in cases of injustice.
I’m jumping a bit ahead in my story though. I forgot to mention how I was introduced to Anthropology. During my first semester of college I met a very dear friend, Jesica. Although during the time we were in school, we didn’t really know each other. It was after she graduated and I had been out of school for awhile that we really became friends. We would hang out a lot at the home where she was staying as an international student, the home of one of the anthropology professors from our college. It was a couple of months of spending time together before she mentioned that from her view of my interests, anthropology seemed to encompass them all. She herself had been an Anthropology major and said that even though I had not ever been to school for Anthropology (or without even really knowing what it was), I knew a lot about it.
After doing a bit of research, more conversations with Jesica and her host professor, and bouncing off these ideas about Anthropology with some family members, I really began to see just how much I really was interested in the study of cultures and all that entails. The more I read and look at what kinds of courses are available at various schools for Anthropology majors, I feel confirmed in this decision to pursue the field.
Now, I’m not saying that with the amount of times I’ve changed my mind so far, that I might not change it again. I don’t see that happening with how perfectly Anthropology seems to involve all of my interests, but who knows? I am trusting God to lead me along the path that He has chosen for me, and if that includes going to school for Socio-Cultural Anthropology, I will be overjoyed.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
some blogs i enjoy reading (and looking at) and would recommend..
http://www.bloomthemagazine.com/
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/
http://egkeim.blogspot.com/
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/
http://egkeim.blogspot.com/
Sunday, January 24, 2010
to care
“I’m not afraid to make big mistakes. To fall flat on my face. I need to get this looked at, need to get this looked at. I need some time to think about what I’ve done…”
- The Almost
In earnest, I am the exact opposite of the song lyrics say above. I hate to make mistakes, and I am quite afraid of falling on my face. I do not like to look bad in any situation. In fact, when I am alone (most often when I am trying to fall asleep) I go through all the “stupid” things I may have said or done that day in my mind. In most cases I imagine other people haven’t even noticed or perceived what I said or did in the way I felt it was taken. Although most of the time, it is hard to convince myself of that.
Yet, I am learning to admit more freely where I actually do lack. I wouldn’t say that I am a humble person, but I hope that one day once God has worked on me more, that I will possess the quality of humility. In saying all of that, I would like to impart a lesson that I’ve learned and honesty about my own character.
I have been working for a little over two years now as a care giver for a very special woman. It is an interesting situation for me, as she is both my Mother’s best friend and my Godmother. I first met her when I was about six or seven years old. Since then she has been an integral part of my family and a deeply important model of faith for me. We share a unique friendship that goes beyond the employer and employee relationship. And I thank God for allowing me the privilege of serving her in the ways He has led me to.
Despite all of that, there are many days when I have just not felt like going to work. I’m tired or grumpy or restless. I don’t feel like doing laundry or dishes, or being cooped up in a house all day. I would rather be in bed or go out somewhere to do something fun. When I first started feeling this way I would just rush through work, willing the clock to move faster so I could leave. Lately though I have felt a nudge to submit those feelings to God, asking Him to teach me through them. I don’t want to take my moods out on other people. I don’t want to rush or not do something properly because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be a hindrance instead of a help to my Godmother. And I don’t want my way of “caring” to continue to be so shallow and fickle.
One of the many essential things that I have learned while working as a care giver has been what is genuine caring, and what is a selfish façade of caring. My Godmother has told me stories of people who would come to visit her in order to minister to her or show her some kindness. Yet what they really ended up doing was demanding that she get out of bed when she was sick, to sit with them so she could be talked at and ridiculed for not being able to be a good hostess or for the problems she faced in her life, including her inability to fix them despite her crippling illness. And many times if they wanted to do something specific to “help” her, it would end up being something that just made her situation worse.
From her conveyed experiences and the ways that I feel God has been teaching me, I can deduce one of the biggest reasons why people who want to help end up hurting instead. I have even done this myself. When approaching a person who needs help, we have come to the situation with our ideas of what they need, our assumptions of what will fix their problems. So we act on them, instead of stopping to ask and listen to what the person might say they actually need. We set out to do one task that could be the complete opposite of what would help, because it’s what we’re comfortable with or because it might be something we would want someone else to do for us. In some situations, what we do is done just so that we can pat ourselves on the back. We quickly perform our moral duty to help someone less fortunate than us and then go on our way.
It takes more sacrifice than that to really help. It takes the willingness to listen and put aside what we feel like doing. If we want to learn how to care in a real way, to serve a person in the way Jesus would have us serve, we need to give more time. And actually, once that time is given, I have found it is actually a lot easier to care and give help because God is helping me do it. I have learned and continue to learn that my way of caring is quite superficial. That even my deepest times of care are so insignificant compared to how all encompassing and compassionate God’s care is. It actually disturbs me to think about the level of care I previously considered to be enough.
Now that I’ve had a bit of a heart lesson, even though I still have those feelings of not wanting to go to work and help, I have begun asking God to mold me and change the way I care to align more with His. It’s quite simple to learn how to help, actually. Listening is a crucial part of helping. And once we listen, we will most likely be given all kinds of ways that would help a person, whether small or big. It’s just about learning to turn the focus from ourselves to others. It's about whether or not we really want to learn to care.
- The Almost
In earnest, I am the exact opposite of the song lyrics say above. I hate to make mistakes, and I am quite afraid of falling on my face. I do not like to look bad in any situation. In fact, when I am alone (most often when I am trying to fall asleep) I go through all the “stupid” things I may have said or done that day in my mind. In most cases I imagine other people haven’t even noticed or perceived what I said or did in the way I felt it was taken. Although most of the time, it is hard to convince myself of that.
Yet, I am learning to admit more freely where I actually do lack. I wouldn’t say that I am a humble person, but I hope that one day once God has worked on me more, that I will possess the quality of humility. In saying all of that, I would like to impart a lesson that I’ve learned and honesty about my own character.
I have been working for a little over two years now as a care giver for a very special woman. It is an interesting situation for me, as she is both my Mother’s best friend and my Godmother. I first met her when I was about six or seven years old. Since then she has been an integral part of my family and a deeply important model of faith for me. We share a unique friendship that goes beyond the employer and employee relationship. And I thank God for allowing me the privilege of serving her in the ways He has led me to.
Despite all of that, there are many days when I have just not felt like going to work. I’m tired or grumpy or restless. I don’t feel like doing laundry or dishes, or being cooped up in a house all day. I would rather be in bed or go out somewhere to do something fun. When I first started feeling this way I would just rush through work, willing the clock to move faster so I could leave. Lately though I have felt a nudge to submit those feelings to God, asking Him to teach me through them. I don’t want to take my moods out on other people. I don’t want to rush or not do something properly because I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to be a hindrance instead of a help to my Godmother. And I don’t want my way of “caring” to continue to be so shallow and fickle.
One of the many essential things that I have learned while working as a care giver has been what is genuine caring, and what is a selfish façade of caring. My Godmother has told me stories of people who would come to visit her in order to minister to her or show her some kindness. Yet what they really ended up doing was demanding that she get out of bed when she was sick, to sit with them so she could be talked at and ridiculed for not being able to be a good hostess or for the problems she faced in her life, including her inability to fix them despite her crippling illness. And many times if they wanted to do something specific to “help” her, it would end up being something that just made her situation worse.
From her conveyed experiences and the ways that I feel God has been teaching me, I can deduce one of the biggest reasons why people who want to help end up hurting instead. I have even done this myself. When approaching a person who needs help, we have come to the situation with our ideas of what they need, our assumptions of what will fix their problems. So we act on them, instead of stopping to ask and listen to what the person might say they actually need. We set out to do one task that could be the complete opposite of what would help, because it’s what we’re comfortable with or because it might be something we would want someone else to do for us. In some situations, what we do is done just so that we can pat ourselves on the back. We quickly perform our moral duty to help someone less fortunate than us and then go on our way.
It takes more sacrifice than that to really help. It takes the willingness to listen and put aside what we feel like doing. If we want to learn how to care in a real way, to serve a person in the way Jesus would have us serve, we need to give more time. And actually, once that time is given, I have found it is actually a lot easier to care and give help because God is helping me do it. I have learned and continue to learn that my way of caring is quite superficial. That even my deepest times of care are so insignificant compared to how all encompassing and compassionate God’s care is. It actually disturbs me to think about the level of care I previously considered to be enough.
Now that I’ve had a bit of a heart lesson, even though I still have those feelings of not wanting to go to work and help, I have begun asking God to mold me and change the way I care to align more with His. It’s quite simple to learn how to help, actually. Listening is a crucial part of helping. And once we listen, we will most likely be given all kinds of ways that would help a person, whether small or big. It’s just about learning to turn the focus from ourselves to others. It's about whether or not we really want to learn to care.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
job's theology and the character of God - quote from "Cries of the Heart"
“By taking our place upon the cross and bridging the chasm between God, who offered life, and humanity, which deserved death, Christ spanned the greatest gulf. Our thirst for a mediator before God is a very genuine cry that has been expressed in virtually every theistic religion. But for most, the God who is out there is treated as still being out there. For others, the quest to bring God near without humanizing Him has been a particular struggle. Thus in Greek mythology, heroes and the personification of ideals proliferate. In pantheism, avatars, or incarnations, form the bulk of revelation. But in the Christian faith, the fact that God comes close while remaining transcendent is very unique. To what degree Job understood this will always remain moot, but that he cried out even in his primitive understanding of redemption that a Savior would understand his suffering, plead his cause, and vindicate him is remarkable.
In short, this discovery affirmed one of Job’s convictions but shattered one aspect of his theology. Job had repeatedly said that as far as he knew he had lived an honorable life. But he had assumed all along that if one walked the straight and narrow and lived a life of purity, prosperity and freedom from pain would naturally follow. This was a false conclusion.
Over the years of history we have seen this unfortunate deduction made time and again. We may even recall that when John the Baptist was put into prison he wondered if Jesus was indeed who He claimed to be. The implication was, ‘If He is the Messiah, then why am I in prison?’ The apostle Peter could not for a moment conceive of the Son of God going to a cross. As hard as it is to accept, suffering is not always because of one’s personal sin, but suffering will always have to be dealt with personally. Our Lord Himself bore the pain of that which was not His own doing, but the Captain of our salvation was made perfect, that is, complete, through suffering. Life must never be viewed from the isolated instances of one’s personal struggle. There is a big picture and a complete picture into which our personal struggle fits. That picture is in the mind of God. The closer we draw to Him the clearer that picture becomes. And part of that picture is pain and desolation.
But if Job had his theology shattered and if the picture told him that even the righteous could suffer pain and hurt, what was the one thing he would need to know more than anything else? That is where we find the answer that Job needed most, as much as we do when walking through deep waters. I can best answer this by an illustration.
Some years ago while I had the privilege of speaking at Moody Bible Institute we had the extraordinary blessing of listening to a talk by Professor Charles Cooper, who taught there. He sat in a chair as he told his story that was still so fresh in his memory and in the memories of those who knew him. He spoke of the thrill he’d felt of being newly married and of the delight of a young love. Yet only four months into his marriage, tragedy struck.
His wife was returning from a trip, and he and his mother-in-law went to the airport to pick her up. As the plane pulled up to the jet-way, they saw ambulances and police cars closing in on the back of the aircraft and personnel from those vehicles running up the back stairway. But Charles’s focus was on the front of the plane from where his wife would disembark. All of a sudden, his mother-in-law clasped his arm and pointed to a stretcher that was being removed from the back door of the airplane. On the stretcher was obviously a body, covered by a white sheet. But that is not all. Hanging from the stretcher was a purse that they recognized as his wife’s.
A few moments later their names were called over the loudspeaker and in shock, they were informed that shortly before landing, without any previous history of such a condition, his young wife had suffered a fatal heart attack.
How does one respond to news so debilitating? Charles Cooper walked us through his own journey of pain. His closing comment will forever ring in my ears. He said that the cards, the letters, the phone calls, the embraces, and the love of friends all played part in helping him to survive. ‘But what kept me going more than anything else was my confidence in the character of God.’ That was the bottom line.
This is the adjustment Job needed. Constantly focusing on his own character and purity, he had lost sight of the character of God Himself. Those who have walked this path hold on to that truth with all the strength they have. God is not only all-powerful. He is perfect in goodness. We must trust Him even when the times are grim.
At the end, Job discovered that this God who was his Creator and Designer, his Revealer and Comforter, his Mediator and Savior, was also his Strengthener and Restorer.”
- Ravi Zacharias
from Cries of the Heart pgs 85-87
and in case you might want to read the book of Job:http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Job%201&version=NASB
In short, this discovery affirmed one of Job’s convictions but shattered one aspect of his theology. Job had repeatedly said that as far as he knew he had lived an honorable life. But he had assumed all along that if one walked the straight and narrow and lived a life of purity, prosperity and freedom from pain would naturally follow. This was a false conclusion.
Over the years of history we have seen this unfortunate deduction made time and again. We may even recall that when John the Baptist was put into prison he wondered if Jesus was indeed who He claimed to be. The implication was, ‘If He is the Messiah, then why am I in prison?’ The apostle Peter could not for a moment conceive of the Son of God going to a cross. As hard as it is to accept, suffering is not always because of one’s personal sin, but suffering will always have to be dealt with personally. Our Lord Himself bore the pain of that which was not His own doing, but the Captain of our salvation was made perfect, that is, complete, through suffering. Life must never be viewed from the isolated instances of one’s personal struggle. There is a big picture and a complete picture into which our personal struggle fits. That picture is in the mind of God. The closer we draw to Him the clearer that picture becomes. And part of that picture is pain and desolation.
But if Job had his theology shattered and if the picture told him that even the righteous could suffer pain and hurt, what was the one thing he would need to know more than anything else? That is where we find the answer that Job needed most, as much as we do when walking through deep waters. I can best answer this by an illustration.
Some years ago while I had the privilege of speaking at Moody Bible Institute we had the extraordinary blessing of listening to a talk by Professor Charles Cooper, who taught there. He sat in a chair as he told his story that was still so fresh in his memory and in the memories of those who knew him. He spoke of the thrill he’d felt of being newly married and of the delight of a young love. Yet only four months into his marriage, tragedy struck.
His wife was returning from a trip, and he and his mother-in-law went to the airport to pick her up. As the plane pulled up to the jet-way, they saw ambulances and police cars closing in on the back of the aircraft and personnel from those vehicles running up the back stairway. But Charles’s focus was on the front of the plane from where his wife would disembark. All of a sudden, his mother-in-law clasped his arm and pointed to a stretcher that was being removed from the back door of the airplane. On the stretcher was obviously a body, covered by a white sheet. But that is not all. Hanging from the stretcher was a purse that they recognized as his wife’s.
A few moments later their names were called over the loudspeaker and in shock, they were informed that shortly before landing, without any previous history of such a condition, his young wife had suffered a fatal heart attack.
How does one respond to news so debilitating? Charles Cooper walked us through his own journey of pain. His closing comment will forever ring in my ears. He said that the cards, the letters, the phone calls, the embraces, and the love of friends all played part in helping him to survive. ‘But what kept me going more than anything else was my confidence in the character of God.’ That was the bottom line.
This is the adjustment Job needed. Constantly focusing on his own character and purity, he had lost sight of the character of God Himself. Those who have walked this path hold on to that truth with all the strength they have. God is not only all-powerful. He is perfect in goodness. We must trust Him even when the times are grim.
At the end, Job discovered that this God who was his Creator and Designer, his Revealer and Comforter, his Mediator and Savior, was also his Strengthener and Restorer.”
- Ravi Zacharias
from Cries of the Heart pgs 85-87
and in case you might want to read the book of Job:http://www.biblegateway.co
Saturday, January 9, 2010
safe?
It was one of those days today, which are greatly contrasted in my mind. The sun shone brightly; warm when shielded in a house or a car, with the streams of light flickering through a window. Yet if you were to stand out in one of the fields that we passed while I was riding shotgun in the car with my Mom this afternoon, you’d have not felt any sort of comforting embrace from that same light.
Our destination was also something that caused a bit of a gap to be formed in my mind. I can’t go too much into detail without disclosing personal information, but I can say that after we reached our destination, saw what we needed to see, and were returning home, a sadness began to swell inside me. I came away from the experience with a conviction about safety and that there is an absolute right way of acting/thinking that should be followed. I was reminded that places and people, who are supposed to be safe, supposed to be those that lead, guard, teach, should never end up being in the position of abusing, manipulating, or hurting those that are placed under their authority. Yet, I know that in this world, it is almost common for such a cruelty to take place. Parents abuse their power over their children, pastors abuse their authority over their congregations (which can sometimes be the worst of all of these because pastors/priests represent God in people’s minds), teachers abuse their responsibility over their students, friends abuse the trust given them, and so it goes in every position of “power” and every form of relationship. It is the way humans act, but it isn’t how it was meant to be. So when I come into contact with it, when anyone experiences such things, something inside is wounded.
After a couple of hours of focus on painting projects, I’ve come back to the subject of safety and the fact that anyone with any type of authority over another is accountable to God (Mark 9:42-43, 1 Peter 5:1-4). In my own life over the passed couple of years I have learned through situation after situation who is “safe” and who is not, and the characteristics that signify safety to me and to others. I could not have learned any of these lessons by myself, and in many instances had to have others wiser and more discerning than me point out characteristics and actions that were in fact detrimental to my health (physical, mental, or spiritual). Many times I did not see something as wrong or overly harmful. I had been around such behavior so long it didn’t faze me and even if I was hurting I would automatically blame myself for whatever it was that was happening. I guess I had been manipulated into a position of blindness to not recognize when what someone was saying or doing was really wrong, so I needed others to lead me through that blindness. It has taken me quite awhile to even begin seeing the signs of these abusive behaviors when they are manifested in someone I come into contact with, and I am still learning to listen to those “gut feelings” that were ignored before.
I won’t name names, or blast anyone over the internet to put my point across. But I will say that I’ve experienced repeatedly the breaking of trust, being manipulated and misled, or being abused verbally in friendships, romantic relationships, by pastors, by family members, and by teachers. I have been blessed by God, for whatever His reasons may be, to not have experienced these things from my parents and I am eternally grateful for that. I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of people (if not all) who read this have experienced similar things from people of authority or friends. I mention that list above mostly to convey that I am familiar with what I’m speaking of and that I understand that it is very common, unfortunately. Also, as I made that list I realized even more than what I had originally thought of as being wrong behavior. I am learning even as I write this.
So, I come to what I really wanted to share: the actions and characteristics that make someone “safe” and trustworthy to me. I realize that not everyone will agree with my list and I don’t really expect this to be universal, but a lot of what I consider proof of trustworthiness I gleaned from other wiser person’s experiences and teachings. I feel that in sharing what I’ve learned, that maybe someone else will be helped or realize something they may not have before.
I guess the first thing that signifies a person being safe or trustworthy to me, is when someone is willing to admit their faults. Humility is such a big indicator to me (and something that I usually fail at but repeatedly ask God for). It has been something that has been taught to me for as long as I can remember. My parents have been unique in that they have always admitted when they’ve been wrong and have apologized to each other or to me and my siblings for it. They have expressed real sorrow about these things and I have always had the ever important example of repentance from them. In many situations since I’ve learned that, I have experienced the denial of wrong and the blatant projection of actions placed on me from other people in my life. I don’t expect that when confronted, anyone should automatically take on anything that I may be bringing up. I am not a person’s judge, only Jesus is. Yet we are told in the Bible to bring our grievances to each other (Matthew 18:15-17) and it is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict (John 16:5-11). So, when I have been mistreated and when I have brought it up, it shows that a person should not be trusted when they ignore what I’ve said and move on to tell me all of the bad things I’ve ever done ( and at times making things up that never happened). When someone is unwilling to admit where they’ve legitimately done or said wrong, they generally are not going to change their behavior and therefore are not going to be safe to be around.
The second characteristic, which ties into the first, is when a person throws themselves on the mercy of God. In other words, that the person has professed that they sin and need Jesus to redeem them. I am far more likely to trust someone who admits to not having everything together and that they sin, because a person who says they never hurt anyone or lie, etc., is obviously not going to admit when they’ve mistreated me or anyone else for that matter. Now I’m not saying that all Christians are automatically safe and trustworthy. I would never say that, because I have experienced mistreatment from just as many Christians as non-Christians. So I guess you may wonder why I consider Christianity a qualifier then. Well, in my life I have had my parents’ example as you’ve read above, and also I have had the example of others who rely heavily on Jesus and His example in their lives. And I don’t think there is really anyone other than Jesus in history that could stand up to being the epitome of being trustworthy and safe. Even if you don’t believe that Jesus is who He says He is, who in history has been morally superior to Jesus? Who else has been willing to do what Jesus did for us, die a horrible death and take on every wrong thing that anyone has ever done, thought, felt, etc?
But I don’t mean to get into an argument with anyone or to try to convert people. I’m trying to talk about safety here. Heh. So for me, a Christian who actively lives like Jesus is considered safe. This takes time for me though. I don’t see one thing a person does and automatically say “Oh, I can trust this person.” I actually discourage that because trust is such an important thing that takes time to build and should not be given lightly. I used to trust all the wrong kinds of people and would just take whatever someone dished out to me without a thought. I still can fall into that habit and have to be more vigilant. I am learning though and take my time even with the people that have proven to be trustworthy by my standards.
I actually thought that I had more to list than I do. I am laying here trying to think of anything else that makes me feel safe. I suppose that things such as compassion, kindness, consideration, understanding, encouraging, and etc. all fall under the characteristics of Jesus and therefore are grouped into my second characteristic category. I reiterate though that I realize not all Christians possess these characteristics. This is either because someone who professes to be a Christian doesn’t really understand what it is to be one, or because God hasn’t chosen to work on that specific part of the person yet. Christians aren’t better people than everyone else. We still do bad things and mess up. It’s about whether or not we pay attention to the nudge of the Holy Spirit and our fellow believers to realize where we need to repent and change. The process of becoming like Jesus as is life-long, so even when I say I trust someone who has repeatedly proved to follow Jesus’ example, I know that they will still hurt me or slight me at times. If they repent, it is then my desire to learn to forgive them (Matthew 18:21-35).
I don’t know if any of this has struck a chord with you, but I would like to know now, what characteristics prove safety and trustworthiness to you? What kind of person do you trust?
Our destination was also something that caused a bit of a gap to be formed in my mind. I can’t go too much into detail without disclosing personal information, but I can say that after we reached our destination, saw what we needed to see, and were returning home, a sadness began to swell inside me. I came away from the experience with a conviction about safety and that there is an absolute right way of acting/thinking that should be followed. I was reminded that places and people, who are supposed to be safe, supposed to be those that lead, guard, teach, should never end up being in the position of abusing, manipulating, or hurting those that are placed under their authority. Yet, I know that in this world, it is almost common for such a cruelty to take place. Parents abuse their power over their children, pastors abuse their authority over their congregations (which can sometimes be the worst of all of these because pastors/priests represent God in people’s minds), teachers abuse their responsibility over their students, friends abuse the trust given them, and so it goes in every position of “power” and every form of relationship. It is the way humans act, but it isn’t how it was meant to be. So when I come into contact with it, when anyone experiences such things, something inside is wounded.
After a couple of hours of focus on painting projects, I’ve come back to the subject of safety and the fact that anyone with any type of authority over another is accountable to God (Mark 9:42-43, 1 Peter 5:1-4). In my own life over the passed couple of years I have learned through situation after situation who is “safe” and who is not, and the characteristics that signify safety to me and to others. I could not have learned any of these lessons by myself, and in many instances had to have others wiser and more discerning than me point out characteristics and actions that were in fact detrimental to my health (physical, mental, or spiritual). Many times I did not see something as wrong or overly harmful. I had been around such behavior so long it didn’t faze me and even if I was hurting I would automatically blame myself for whatever it was that was happening. I guess I had been manipulated into a position of blindness to not recognize when what someone was saying or doing was really wrong, so I needed others to lead me through that blindness. It has taken me quite awhile to even begin seeing the signs of these abusive behaviors when they are manifested in someone I come into contact with, and I am still learning to listen to those “gut feelings” that were ignored before.
I won’t name names, or blast anyone over the internet to put my point across. But I will say that I’ve experienced repeatedly the breaking of trust, being manipulated and misled, or being abused verbally in friendships, romantic relationships, by pastors, by family members, and by teachers. I have been blessed by God, for whatever His reasons may be, to not have experienced these things from my parents and I am eternally grateful for that. I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of people (if not all) who read this have experienced similar things from people of authority or friends. I mention that list above mostly to convey that I am familiar with what I’m speaking of and that I understand that it is very common, unfortunately. Also, as I made that list I realized even more than what I had originally thought of as being wrong behavior. I am learning even as I write this.
So, I come to what I really wanted to share: the actions and characteristics that make someone “safe” and trustworthy to me. I realize that not everyone will agree with my list and I don’t really expect this to be universal, but a lot of what I consider proof of trustworthiness I gleaned from other wiser person’s experiences and teachings. I feel that in sharing what I’ve learned, that maybe someone else will be helped or realize something they may not have before.
I guess the first thing that signifies a person being safe or trustworthy to me, is when someone is willing to admit their faults. Humility is such a big indicator to me (and something that I usually fail at but repeatedly ask God for). It has been something that has been taught to me for as long as I can remember. My parents have been unique in that they have always admitted when they’ve been wrong and have apologized to each other or to me and my siblings for it. They have expressed real sorrow about these things and I have always had the ever important example of repentance from them. In many situations since I’ve learned that, I have experienced the denial of wrong and the blatant projection of actions placed on me from other people in my life. I don’t expect that when confronted, anyone should automatically take on anything that I may be bringing up. I am not a person’s judge, only Jesus is. Yet we are told in the Bible to bring our grievances to each other (Matthew 18:15-17) and it is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict (John 16:5-11). So, when I have been mistreated and when I have brought it up, it shows that a person should not be trusted when they ignore what I’ve said and move on to tell me all of the bad things I’ve ever done ( and at times making things up that never happened). When someone is unwilling to admit where they’ve legitimately done or said wrong, they generally are not going to change their behavior and therefore are not going to be safe to be around.
The second characteristic, which ties into the first, is when a person throws themselves on the mercy of God. In other words, that the person has professed that they sin and need Jesus to redeem them. I am far more likely to trust someone who admits to not having everything together and that they sin, because a person who says they never hurt anyone or lie, etc., is obviously not going to admit when they’ve mistreated me or anyone else for that matter. Now I’m not saying that all Christians are automatically safe and trustworthy. I would never say that, because I have experienced mistreatment from just as many Christians as non-Christians. So I guess you may wonder why I consider Christianity a qualifier then. Well, in my life I have had my parents’ example as you’ve read above, and also I have had the example of others who rely heavily on Jesus and His example in their lives. And I don’t think there is really anyone other than Jesus in history that could stand up to being the epitome of being trustworthy and safe. Even if you don’t believe that Jesus is who He says He is, who in history has been morally superior to Jesus? Who else has been willing to do what Jesus did for us, die a horrible death and take on every wrong thing that anyone has ever done, thought, felt, etc?
But I don’t mean to get into an argument with anyone or to try to convert people. I’m trying to talk about safety here. Heh. So for me, a Christian who actively lives like Jesus is considered safe. This takes time for me though. I don’t see one thing a person does and automatically say “Oh, I can trust this person.” I actually discourage that because trust is such an important thing that takes time to build and should not be given lightly. I used to trust all the wrong kinds of people and would just take whatever someone dished out to me without a thought. I still can fall into that habit and have to be more vigilant. I am learning though and take my time even with the people that have proven to be trustworthy by my standards.
I actually thought that I had more to list than I do. I am laying here trying to think of anything else that makes me feel safe. I suppose that things such as compassion, kindness, consideration, understanding, encouraging, and etc. all fall under the characteristics of Jesus and therefore are grouped into my second characteristic category. I reiterate though that I realize not all Christians possess these characteristics. This is either because someone who professes to be a Christian doesn’t really understand what it is to be one, or because God hasn’t chosen to work on that specific part of the person yet. Christians aren’t better people than everyone else. We still do bad things and mess up. It’s about whether or not we pay attention to the nudge of the Holy Spirit and our fellow believers to realize where we need to repent and change. The process of becoming like Jesus as is life-long, so even when I say I trust someone who has repeatedly proved to follow Jesus’ example, I know that they will still hurt me or slight me at times. If they repent, it is then my desire to learn to forgive them (Matthew 18:21-35).
I don’t know if any of this has struck a chord with you, but I would like to know now, what characteristics prove safety and trustworthiness to you? What kind of person do you trust?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
sometimes it really get's me...
... realizing that many people can't/won't understand what its like to be limited, to have any form of disability if they don't have one. its especially hard if they can't see the proof blatantly with their eyes because its something going on inside the body. they don't get that you just can't push yourself to do things even if you really want to, or you can't compromise your health in order to have fun. and when you do (because you like their company and are tired of being left out/alone, or being questioned about why you didn't do this or why you didn't do that), they don't understand how much it took for you to go out and do something. also, they never know how its going to affect you later. it takes you a couple of days, sometimes a week to recuperate from one night's worth of pushing yourself; what would take a healthy person less than 8 hours to sleep off. you end up exhausted the next day, unable to fulfill responsibilities and work, and many times certain activities will make the chronic pain you have worse.
it really makes me sad and makes me want to give up trying. you can't make everyone care, i know that. but i just wish so much that more people would take the time to try and understand. i don't want pity, i just want people to open their eyes a bit. there are a lot of disabled/limited people around that are completely ignored, worse off than me, and much, much lonelier. and they all need to be understood by another person. just being willing to listen and trying to understand what a person is going through makes a huge difference, along with being willing to make accommodations for the person that wouldn't really require any energy or hardship on the healthy individual.
it really makes me sad and makes me want to give up trying. you can't make everyone care, i know that. but i just wish so much that more people would take the time to try and understand. i don't want pity, i just want people to open their eyes a bit. there are a lot of disabled/limited people around that are completely ignored, worse off than me, and much, much lonelier. and they all need to be understood by another person. just being willing to listen and trying to understand what a person is going through makes a huge difference, along with being willing to make accommodations for the person that wouldn't really require any energy or hardship on the healthy individual.
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