Perfect Love

One of the biggest lies that seem to rule my life is fear. There are times when I am completely incapacitated by it. I get so upset by it that I get physically sick. I actually ended up in the emergency room the other night, so sick to my stomach and with a horrible headache because I could not talk myself down from fear.

Lately what I've been afraid of is the death of those that I love. Two people who are very special to me are battling different kinds of illnesses that may eventually result in death. This terrifies me. The loss of two people that I love so dearly, and who I know love me, is unimaginable to me. Yet, it happens. In real life, loved ones die. And my focus, in fear, has been the loss. Yes, there are intermittant cries to God for His mercy and intervention. Still, the looming separation from people who are integral to my daily life has been the fear that has dug its heel into my heart.

I have this tendency to try and imagine situations that scare me. In my naivete I believe that if I can imagine what might happen, it won't hurt as badly and therefore I don't have to be as afraid of it. But in my imagining, I end up making myself even more fearful because I know that I can not control such things. I can not control death, or loss, or separation. Nobody can control these things, only God. And there-in lies the root of all fear, mistrust of the Person who does hold life in His hands.

In the Bible, John talks about love and the fact that perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment(1 John 4:18). This verse has been ingrained into my mind because of the many times I've read it in search of comfort. I believe in the power of the Word of God. I know that the Scriptures can change deep details of lives. So why doesn't my fear dissipate when I read 1 John 4:18? I can't answer that question yet. I continue to struggle with my fear.

I believe that someday fear won't rule me as much as it does today, that through situation after situation, I will learn to trust Jesus with even the most painful parts of life. I long for that day to be today, but I know that even life with God is a process and His transforming us into the likeness of Christ takes time. I hope you weren't waiting for a sudden burst of wisdom in all of this. I don't have much of that stuff. I seem to find myself more at a loss each year that goes by.