You're hurting me.

I have had a lot of varying aspects of relationships, friendships and romantic, on my mind the passed couple of months. Unfortunately, most of my thinking has run along the lines of bitterness and hurt by how I've been treated by people in my life over the years. In wrestling with these things in prayer with God, I thought maybe it would also help to write some of them out to share with others in case they find themselves in similar situations.

Well this morning, as I was working myself out of a groggy stupor, I was thinking about the habit that so many people seem to have of not being willing to acknowledge when they've hurt someone. I have been on both sides of this mess. For the longest time I either didn't want to admit that I was hurting people with my words and actions, or I just had no clue that that's what I was doing. It took some lessons from the Holy Spirit in self-awareness and sadly, the wounding of people who I love to get me to really see that I needed to repent and change.

A lot of the time the conversations that took place after hurting someone myself, or being hurt by another person went like this:

"I was really hurt when you said/you did this..."

"You shouldn't be hurt by that/I didn't mean to hurt you/I'm sorry or sad that you're hurt..."

Or my favorite: "Well, you did this and this to me, so you should apologize to me for these things that you did to me years ago before I even begin to admit that I might have done something to hurt you."

And then, maybe at times there would be a reluctant apology that I'm sure anyone could see wasn't sincere. There have been so many apologies on my part and others that are so obviously uttered to appease the other person, to make "peace" because we're tired of fighting.

Why does it end up like this? I know from my perspective I didn't want to admit my part because I already felt so much guilt in general that it hurt too much to actually speak aloud that I had done something to cause pain. Or I had had so many people in my life who wanted to crucify me for every little wrong (or even things that I never did) because it made them feel better or superior. I can't really know what goes on inside others. Is it for the same reason that I was wary of admitting any guilt? Is it because they just aren't in touch with how they're actions affect those around them? Or maybe they've been hurt so many times by other people that to admit they are anything like those that have hurt them is just too painful?

Whatever the reason, I have found that to admit to hurting someone is integral to learning how to really love another person like Jesus would have you love them. Most of the time when people hurt each other it is entirely unintentional. However, that doesn't mean that we should ignore the effect of our actions if we haven't done the thing on purpose. Humans hurt each other, its a reality of life that can not be ignored. We live in a fallen world where sin and society tell us that we can do whatever we want without repercussions. To admit that we've hurt someone else needs to become a part of our life or we won't be able to have real, deep and Christ-centered relationships with those around us. And much of the time I have found that when I admit that I have hurt someone, they then feel like they can trust me more than they could before. They found that I wasn't going to deny reality anymore, that I was going to be more aware of how God wanted me to treat them. Also, it gave them a chance to forgive which also made the relationships stronger than it had been before.

Well, I have to get to work. I'm sure there is a lot more to say about this subject. I may post more later. Have a lovely afternoon all!