Flattery vs. Encouragement

  I tend not to trust people who spend a lot of time flattering others. Not just someone who pays a compliment here or there, or someone who encourages you in an area that you're struggling with, but someone who constantly praises those around them. In many cases, flattery is disingenuous. It often makes me wonder what the true motives of the flatterer might be (and those motives usually show up clearly when you don't respond to the flattery). The truth is as humans we have sins and failures along with gifts and God-given good qualities. To focus too heavily on one part of someone could lead to either a condemning judgment of someone or a building up of the person's pride. Not to say that we shouldn't spend time in a place of repentance for our sins and failures, which is an integral part of the Christian life, or in thanksgiving for the goodness that God cultivates in His children. But if we only flatter others, we aren't acknowledging who they actually are as human beings and aren't learning how to really love them. Real love takes into account both the good and the bad in others (and ourselves), being willing to be open about our sins, pains, and desires with each other. 

  I didn't necessarily connect flattery to something as serious as being used to control another person, however, until I started reading up on the subject. I also realized that I've actually seen it happen in various relationships I've been in or other's relationships around me. Flattery is many times used to manipulate those who have a low view of themselves and is usually coupled with all sorts of dangerous designs on the part of the flatterer. In my own experience, it seemed some people used flattery to distract me from the fact that they were doing something in their life that didn't add up to being a follower of Jesus and they didn't want anyone calling them on it. Or in other cases, flattery was used to try to get close enough to me that they could actually harm me either emotionally or spiritually. I've seen flatterers divide families, cause bitter fights between friends, and ultimately lead people to trust the flatterer in ways that they should never be trusted. It seems at times almost like a fog that blinds those being flattered. Their insecurities are being pulled on and the flatterer makes them feel good, so how could the flatterer ever have any evil intentions? One thing I've learned over the years, evil is not always done overtly. Subtlety is much more effective when one wants to commit something truly wicked.

So, I would encourage you to always pray when you come into contact with a flatterer. They may not always mean you harm, but the Lord can definitely let you know and protect you from getting into a close relationship with someone who does. Thankfully He's gotten me out of some terrible situations with people who tried very hard to control and manipulate me for their own sinful desires. 

Here's some further reading that really got me thinking about all of this: 

Bible verses that talk about flattery:

http://www.openbible.info/topics/flattery

How flattery is used in psychological manipulation:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation

"We usually like to think that we can spot flattery from a mile away, but unfortunately this is rarely the case. In the first place, we don’t see flattery for what it is because we really don’t want to. This brand of cunning toadyism is designed to maneuver your ego to a point at which it obscures your common sense and then proceed to swell it and swell it until it is quite impossible to see around it unless the most assiduous efforts are made. And by this point we are usually feeling a sort of bloated complacency which unfortunately results in a crippling inability to see clearly. And this makes perfect sense when you think about it: why on earth would you question something that makes you feel so good?":

http://ridiculouslikeafox.blogspot.com/2010/09/four-tools-of-manipulation-part-three.html

"Kolakeria (Greek)

There is a difference between encouragement and flattery. The Greek definition of flattery means "motives of self-interest". If someone uses flattery on you, they want something. On the other hand, when someone says they like the way you play the piano or guitar they are trying to say, "your edication to learning to play an instrument is becoming evident." That is encouragement. That kind of encouragement will cause someone to continue the pursuit of their craft, free from the strife that comes from trying to live up to the overstatements.":

http://www.voiceofthetrumpet.org/blog/2011/08/05/Flattery-by-Don-Potter.aspx

"Whoever said that "flattery will get you nowhere" didn't know what he was talking about. Flattery as a religious mind-manipulative technique works remarkably well. Droves of men and women are rushing to embrace the esoteric doctrines of the New Age Movement, complete with its flattering messages of self-deification, self-redemption, and self-enlightenment.

But why would humanity embrace this obvious grand illusion of self-deification? After all, even a casual observation of human nature - with all its corruption, evil-intent, and degradation - completely blows the idea of self-deification out of the water.

Anton LaVey's earlier statement gives us a clue; "…it makes them all feel good." :

http://www.crossroad.to/articles2/05/teichrib/flattery.htm