safe?

It was one of those days today, which are greatly contrasted in my mind. The sun shone brightly; warm when shielded in a house or a car, with the streams of light flickering through a window. Yet if you were to stand out in one of the fields that we passed while I was riding shotgun in the car with my Mom this afternoon, you’d have not felt any sort of comforting embrace from that same light.

Our destination was also something that caused a bit of a gap to be formed in my mind. I can’t go too much into detail without disclosing personal information, but I can say that after we reached our destination, saw what we needed to see, and were returning home, a sadness began to swell inside me. I came away from the experience with a conviction about safety and that there is an absolute right way of acting/thinking that should be followed. I was reminded that places and people, who are supposed to be safe, supposed to be those that lead, guard, teach, should never end up being in the position of abusing, manipulating, or hurting those that are placed under their authority. Yet, I know that in this world, it is almost common for such a cruelty to take place. Parents abuse their power over their children, pastors abuse their authority over their congregations (which can sometimes be the worst of all of these because pastors/priests represent God in people’s minds), teachers abuse their responsibility over their students, friends abuse the trust given them, and so it goes in every position of “power” and every form of relationship. It is the way humans act, but it isn’t how it was meant to be. So when I come into contact with it, when anyone experiences such things, something inside is wounded.

After a couple of hours of focus on painting projects, I’ve come back to the subject of safety and the fact that anyone with any type of authority over another is accountable to God (Mark 9:42-43, 1 Peter 5:1-4). In my own life over the passed couple of years I have learned through situation after situation who is “safe” and who is not, and the characteristics that signify safety to me and to others. I could not have learned any of these lessons by myself, and in many instances had to have others wiser and more discerning than me point out characteristics and actions that were in fact detrimental to my health (physical, mental, or spiritual). Many times I did not see something as wrong or overly harmful. I had been around such behavior so long it didn’t faze me and even if I was hurting I would automatically blame myself for whatever it was that was happening. I guess I had been manipulated into a position of blindness to not recognize when what someone was saying or doing was really wrong, so I needed others to lead me through that blindness. It has taken me quite awhile to even begin seeing the signs of these abusive behaviors when they are manifested in someone I come into contact with, and I am still learning to listen to those “gut feelings” that were ignored before.

I won’t name names, or blast anyone over the internet to put my point across. But I will say that I’ve experienced repeatedly the breaking of trust, being manipulated and misled, or being abused verbally in friendships, romantic relationships, by pastors, by family members, and by teachers. I have been blessed by God, for whatever His reasons may be, to not have experienced these things from my parents and I am eternally grateful for that. I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of people (if not all) who read this have experienced similar things from people of authority or friends. I mention that list above mostly to convey that I am familiar with what I’m speaking of and that I understand that it is very common, unfortunately. Also, as I made that list I realized even more than what I had originally thought of as being wrong behavior. I am learning even as I write this.

So, I come to what I really wanted to share: the actions and characteristics that make someone “safe” and trustworthy to me. I realize that not everyone will agree with my list and I don’t really expect this to be universal, but a lot of what I consider proof of trustworthiness I gleaned from other wiser person’s experiences and teachings. I feel that in sharing what I’ve learned, that maybe someone else will be helped or realize something they may not have before.

I guess the first thing that signifies a person being safe or trustworthy to me, is when someone is willing to admit their faults. Humility is such a big indicator to me (and something that I usually fail at but repeatedly ask God for). It has been something that has been taught to me for as long as I can remember. My parents have been unique in that they have always admitted when they’ve been wrong and have apologized to each other or to me and my siblings for it. They have expressed real sorrow about these things and I have always had the ever important example of repentance from them. In many situations since I’ve learned that, I have experienced the denial of wrong and the blatant projection of actions placed on me from other people in my life. I don’t expect that when confronted, anyone should automatically take on anything that I may be bringing up. I am not a person’s judge, only Jesus is. Yet we are told in the Bible to bring our grievances to each other (Matthew 18:15-17) and it is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict (John 16:5-11). So, when I have been mistreated and when I have brought it up, it shows that a person should not be trusted when they ignore what I’ve said and move on to tell me all of the bad things I’ve ever done ( and at times making things up that never happened). When someone is unwilling to admit where they’ve legitimately done or said wrong, they generally are not going to change their behavior and therefore are not going to be safe to be around.

The second characteristic, which ties into the first, is when a person throws themselves on the mercy of God. In other words, that the person has professed that they sin and need Jesus to redeem them. I am far more likely to trust someone who admits to not having everything together and that they sin, because a person who says they never hurt anyone or lie, etc., is obviously not going to admit when they’ve mistreated me or anyone else for that matter. Now I’m not saying that all Christians are automatically safe and trustworthy. I would never say that, because I have experienced mistreatment from just as many Christians as non-Christians. So I guess you may wonder why I consider Christianity a qualifier then. Well, in my life I have had my parents’ example as you’ve read above, and also I have had the example of others who rely heavily on Jesus and His example in their lives. And I don’t think there is really anyone other than Jesus in history that could stand up to being the epitome of being trustworthy and safe. Even if you don’t believe that Jesus is who He says He is, who in history has been morally superior to Jesus? Who else has been willing to do what Jesus did for us, die a horrible death and take on every wrong thing that anyone has ever done, thought, felt, etc?

But I don’t mean to get into an argument with anyone or to try to convert people. I’m trying to talk about safety here. Heh. So for me, a Christian who actively lives like Jesus is considered safe. This takes time for me though. I don’t see one thing a person does and automatically say “Oh, I can trust this person.” I actually discourage that because trust is such an important thing that takes time to build and should not be given lightly. I used to trust all the wrong kinds of people and would just take whatever someone dished out to me without a thought. I still can fall into that habit and have to be more vigilant. I am learning though and take my time even with the people that have proven to be trustworthy by my standards.

I actually thought that I had more to list than I do. I am laying here trying to think of anything else that makes me feel safe. I suppose that things such as compassion, kindness, consideration, understanding, encouraging, and etc. all fall under the characteristics of Jesus and therefore are grouped into my second characteristic category. I reiterate though that I realize not all Christians possess these characteristics. This is either because someone who professes to be a Christian doesn’t really understand what it is to be one, or because God hasn’t chosen to work on that specific part of the person yet. Christians aren’t better people than everyone else. We still do bad things and mess up. It’s about whether or not we pay attention to the nudge of the Holy Spirit and our fellow believers to realize where we need to repent and change. The process of becoming like Jesus as is life-long, so even when I say I trust someone who has repeatedly proved to follow Jesus’ example, I know that they will still hurt me or slight me at times. If they repent, it is then my desire to learn to forgive them (Matthew 18:21-35).

I don’t know if any of this has struck a chord with you, but I would like to know now, what characteristics prove safety and trustworthiness to you? What kind of person do you trust?